These last few months have been full of self loathing and a little bit of self deprecation, i’m going to be blatantly honest with you and myself in saying I still don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. I will be blatantly honest with you and myself again in saying i’m no longer trying to find them. I’m going to say something in this moment I wish I would have said a long time ago ,”I am tired “. This feels like a shout into the void but I know someones listening and heaven knows it felt so good to get that off my chest. I wish I could say these last few months I’ve been resting among the peonies but I would be lying. So here’s everything: 1. I have no diagnosis but my ovaries are empty , my testosterone is far to high , my pancreas is kicking out twice the amount of insulin why keeping my body balanced . 2. I may not be able to have children , this is emotionally taxing and terrifying really I have prayed for my non existent children for years . I have prayed for their health mentally and physically in a world where society wont always see eye to eye with them. I have prayed , I have cried and begged for there lives to be blessed in abundance for their experiences to not be like mine. Its hard to know they may never exist. 3. To keep myself from crying while typing this I have taken breaks in between. 4. I now have an OBGYN and an endocrinologist and the world has become a lot smaller because one has said no carbs and placed me on a compound birth control and my body feels like its not mine. Meanwhile one is a to be continued because the only thing that has happened is scheduling my appointment so this journey is far from over. 5. I am holding it together just barely , I am sleepy constantly. I eat more plant base food than actual meat these days trying to eat a 80% plant base and 20% other diet because no carbs was explained to be me as no bread , rice , potatoes and basically anything else that could be a filler because my body has to work harder to process them. 6. So much is changing and its hard to find balance , its hard to feel at peace with my body right now so i’m just striving to make peace with myself. This was everything, something tells me my blog is going to get really personal.
I suppose with time comes understanding , I used to think that “adulting” meant having all of the answers but I’m realizing that it is not so. Young and old we are all just trying to figure it out and by it I mean life. There is no schematic on life , it doesn’t come with an instruction guide , you learn by living . Watching your peers will teach you that living is hard, apart of getting older is new responsibilities. Were at an age where we are finding our footing, building our own stability . Some of my friends are parents , wives and husbands and that opens up more uncharted territory. As kids we prepared to have a home of our own , to cook and to clean and be independent whilst constantly calling home for every little inconvenience. Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about those of you who snuck out of your parents home with various items for the up keeping of your own home. To think that here we are , each our own archipelago full of lesson we didn’t learn with each other, laced with experiences we never talked about with anyone else but ourselves in the mirror. It’s crazy to think that we are each our own allegory , capable of teaching someone right and wrong . I think sometimes we get so caught up in having the right answer , we become afraid to say ,”I don’t know”. Especially when get to the stage in our life where we are someone’s partner or parent , the curiosity that was once welcomed is pushed aside for something more concrete. I want to let you know that it’s okay to not know the answer to a “who?” , “what?” ,”when?” , “where?” and “why?” . Even the “what if ?” Doesn’t need an answer, everything takes time. The answers we didn’t have today as life teaches us new lessons we may have tomorrow. I strive to never stop learning,when we don’t know the answer we’re simply just growing. – Myriesha
I received an unexpected blessing and I’m waiting on the confirmation however I have the feeling that it’s going to be okay. I don’t have a sinking feeling , more of an anxious feeling ,I’m excited for something new . It is in these moments that I am more aware that God is in control , a day ago before the unexpected happened I saw a photo that said “God is still writing your story, quit trying to steal the pen” . I am only human so naturally after the unexpected happened I was filled with worry that maybe I didn’t do well. Today I acknowledge that what God has for me it is for me. I know that when the praises go up the blessings come down and if God says that it’s time then no one including myself can stop him. I will wait for the melodies from heaven so that all the work I do will blessed abundantly . I asked God for one thing but he blessed me with another and God knows best. To all of you waiting on a blessing like me, waiting for God to say that it’s time. Remember that God has the pen, he’s already written your story and no one can take the pen from him not even you. – My
The song of this post is: