Picking Up The Pieces

These last few months have been full of self loathing and a little bit of self deprecation, i’m going to be blatantly honest with you and myself in saying I still don’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. I will be blatantly honest with you and myself again in saying i’m no longer trying to find them. I’m going to say something in this moment I wish I would have said a long time ago ,”I am tired “. This feels like a shout into the void but I know someones listening and heaven knows it felt so good to get that off my chest. I wish I could say these last few months I’ve been resting among the peonies but I would be lying. So here’s everything: 1. I have no diagnosis but my ovaries are empty , my testosterone is far to high , my pancreas is kicking out twice the amount of insulin why keeping my body balanced . 2. I may not be able to have children , this is emotionally taxing and terrifying really I have prayed for my non existent children for years . I have prayed for their health mentally and physically in a world where society wont always see eye to eye with them. I have prayed , I have cried and begged for there lives to be blessed in abundance for their experiences to not be like mine. Its hard to know they may never exist. 3. To keep myself from crying while typing this I have taken breaks in between. 4. I now have an OBGYN and an endocrinologist and the world has become a lot smaller because one has said no carbs and placed me on a compound birth control and my body feels like its not mine. Meanwhile one is a to be continued because the only thing that has happened is scheduling my appointment so this journey is far from over. 5. I am holding it together just barely , I am sleepy constantly. I  eat more plant base food than actual meat these days trying to eat a 80% plant base and 20% other diet because no carbs was explained to be me as no bread , rice , potatoes and basically anything else that could be a filler because my body has to work harder to process them. 6. So much is changing and its hard to find balance , its hard to feel at peace with my body right now so i’m just striving to make peace with myself. This was everything, something tells me my blog is going to get really personal.

Field Notes On Love

There is something so classic about the way this story is put together , it is sweet and innocent but it also ended in a way that gave the characters a promising ending. Hugo is a young man from England born as 1 or 6 , he is a septuplet! Because of the rarity he is a local celebrity , his mom runs a blog about him and his five siblings. Hugo seems to have everything someone needs to live a happy life but he feels like a he’s lacking individuality. Mae is queen of the passion projects with a very specific medium , film making . Mae prides herself on being open and honest , she’s transparent about everything besides her self and her feelings but with the encouragement of her grandmother that believes in living life to the fullest , one week will change everything.

I loved this story , I loved how just like the first time you fall in love it came in waves but it made a point constantly that communication is the most important thing. This story came from two sides of the same coin ,”falling in love again wouldn’t be the worst thing, even though highly unlikely ” and ” Love doesn’t exist it’s just a temporary emotion, it can’t last” . There was a natural flow of emotions mixed with and innocence that made it impossible not to smile . I encourage you to read ,”Field Notes on Love”. We all have dealt with love and loss an could use a dose of happy. – Myriesha

I’m finding myself envious these days .

I’m working ( I do social work) I’m sitting on the beach with one of my family’s and there are children and couples all around enjoying each other’s company . Then there’s me dressed for work in solitude and sometimes I find myself envious of there happiness and I know that everything that glitters isn’t gold you have to work for that happiness. I find myself thinking about working with someone for that happiness and sharing our joy with each other and it seems so peaceful . It’s crazy to say this but even at 25 years young I feel so ready to settle down . I love to travel but I would be open to having a travel partner and experiencing the beauty of the world together. Even in this envious state seeing all the family brings me so much joy so maybe one day I’ll be blessed with my own . – Myriesha

Hello I Have Anxiety.

No it’s not romantic or beautiful and no I don’t need a man to squeeze me and tell me I’m okay . I like to crush myself beneath my 50 pound gravity blanket and let it rock me to sleep . All these years I thought I had control of it, my chest tighten and my breathing changes and usually I tell myself that I’m okay and everything is fine and it disappears. Well today I was hyperventilating and internally screaming and I had to stop my self , it felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs , most important was the feeling after , the feeling of defeat . All these years I had control and just like that the air left my lungs and my chest caved and I was no longer the one in charge . There is no secret to anxiety , there is no survival guide or preparedness package. However there is a God who sits high and looks low with a son who hung on a cross for my sins and intercedes on my behalf . Where there is a heaven there is a way , so when these things happen I’m learning to let go and let God . He is my rock even when I an unsteady he is my stability and for that and so many other things I can’t say thank you enough , I am so grateful words aren’t enough. HALLELUJAH! It’s the highest praise . – My

I Don’t Have All The Answers and it’s Okay.

I suppose with time comes understanding , I used to think that “adulting” meant having all of the answers but I’m realizing that it is not so. Young and old we are all just trying to figure it out and by it I mean life. There is no schematic on life , it doesn’t come with an instruction guide , you learn by living . Watching your peers will teach you that living is hard, apart of getting older is new responsibilities. Were at an age where we are finding our footing, building our own stability . Some of my friends are parents , wives and husbands and that opens up more uncharted territory. As kids we prepared to have a home of our own , to cook and to clean and be independent whilst constantly calling home for every little inconvenience. Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about those of you who snuck out of your parents home with various items for the up keeping of your own home. To think that here we are , each our own archipelago full of lesson we didn’t learn with each other, laced with experiences we never talked about with anyone else but ourselves in the mirror. It’s crazy to think that we are each our own allegory , capable of teaching someone right and wrong . I think sometimes we get so caught up in having the right answer , we become afraid to say ,”I don’t know”. Especially when get to the stage in our life where we are someone’s partner or parent , the curiosity that was once welcomed is pushed aside for something more concrete. I want to let you know that it’s okay to not know the answer to a “who?” , “what?” ,”when?” , “where?” and “why?” . Even the “what if ?” Doesn’t need an answer, everything takes time. The answers we didn’t have today as life teaches us new lessons we may have tomorrow. I strive to never stop learning,when we don’t know the answer we’re simply just growing. – Myriesha